I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
