Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
