what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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