Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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