I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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