I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
