if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
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Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
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"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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