I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
