Where are you?
In a non slutty way
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
