Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
