I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
