I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
