You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
