I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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