Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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