Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
