I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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