Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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