So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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