I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
