I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
