I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
