Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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