I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
