Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we made out on top of his cat.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
