I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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