I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I love you. Go after that dick
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
