yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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