I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
