Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
