dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
