My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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