Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
