The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The adults are the big ones right?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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