I can text with my tongue
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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