I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
