so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
