so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
is wine microwaveable?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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