Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
