You smell like stripper and shame
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
