There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
