This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
