Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize