just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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