that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
