Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
