I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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