Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
