6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
