first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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