he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
