i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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