hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
