Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
