am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Randomize
