i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
