Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
