Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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