I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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